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<div class="contactInformation">Mob.: +31 (0)6 295 26 884 <a href="mailto:paul.jansen@pibuckle.com">paul.jansen@pibuckle.com</a></div>
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<span class="breadcrumb">
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6.5 Empathy
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<a name="Topic15"></a>
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<span class=outlineNumberFirst>6.5 </span><span class=topicLineFirst>Empathy</span>
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<span class="topicIcons">
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<div class="topicTextNotes"><div align="left"><font face="Times New Roman" size="5"><span style="font-size:18pt"><b>Feeling what
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other feel</b></span></font><span></span></div>
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<div align="left"><font face="Times New Roman" size="3"><span style="font-size:12pt">Empathy is the
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ability to not only detect what others feel but also to experience that emotion
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yourself.</span></font><span></span></div>
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<div align="left"><font face="Times New Roman" size="3"><span style="font-size:12pt">This can be both
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a bane and a boon. If you can read another person's emotions then you can
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both avoid making a faux pas and also utilize their state to move them in another direction.
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When people are in emotional states their ability to decide is often significantly impaired. Thus
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you cannot expect aroused people to make rational choices at this time.</span></font><span></span></div>
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<div align="left"><font face="Times New Roman" size="3"><span style="font-size:12pt">Empathy is a bane
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if you end up experiencing all the bad feelings of everyone around you. This
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is one of the problems that therapists and other carers have to handle. </span></font><span></span></div>
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<div align="left"><font face="Times New Roman" size="5"><span style="font-size:18pt"><b>It's not sympathy</b></span></font><span></span></div>
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<div align="left"><font face="Times New Roman" size="3"><span style="font-size:12pt">Empathy and sympathy
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are very close and are sometimes used as synonyms. The easiest way
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to separate them is to remember that empathy is about <i>feelings </i>whilst sympathy is about
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<i>actions</i>. Thus you may empathise with another person and then act on this by telling them how
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sorry or happy you feel for them.</span></font><span></span></div>
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<div align="left"><font face="Times New Roman" size="3"><span style="font-size:12pt">Empathetic people
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are often very sympathetic - they can hardly stop themselves as they really
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do feel for the other person. </span></font><span></span></div>
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<div align="left"><font face="Times New Roman" size="3"><span style="font-size:12pt">A person who is
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sympathetic but empathetic may appear a little shallow, as they are less likely
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to show an emotional connection. 'Terribly sorry and all that, old chap' they might say, in a
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friendly but relatively cold voice.</span></font><span></span></div>
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<div align="left"><font face="Times New Roman" size="5"><span style="font-size:18pt"><b>It's definitely
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not psychopathy</b></span></font><span></span></div>
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<div align="left"><font face="Times New Roman" size="3"><span style="font-size:12pt">A defining element
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of a psychopath is that they do not and probably cannot empathize with
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other people. They are often good at imitating this, but in doing so they are using it in a cold and
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manipulative way.</span></font><span></span></div>
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<div align="left"><font face="Times New Roman" size="3"><span style="font-size:12pt">This lack of empathy
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is one thing that makes a psychopath so dangerous. If we cannot
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empathize with others then we are unlikely to care about them. Psychopaths can this easily
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objectify other people, treating them like 'things' and even killing them without any remorse.</span></font><span></span></div>
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<div align="left"><font face="Times New Roman" size="5"><span style="font-size:18pt"><b>It has many
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benefits</b></span></font><span></span></div>
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<div align="left"><font face="Times New Roman" size="3"><span style="font-size:12pt">The value of empathy
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comes not from understanding the other person's feelings, but what you
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do as a result of this.</span></font><span></span></div>
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<div align="left"><font face="Times New Roman" size="4"><span style="font-size:14pt"><b>Empathy connects
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people together</b></span></font><span></span></div>
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<div align="left"><font face="Times New Roman" size="3"><span style="font-size:12pt">When you empathize
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with me, my sense of identity is connected to yours. As a result, I feel
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greater in some way and less alone. I may well, as a result, also start to empathize more with
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you. </span></font><span></span></div>
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<div align="left"><font face="Times New Roman" size="3"><span style="font-size:12pt">In a therapeutic
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situation, having someone else really understand how you feel can be a blessed
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relief, as people with emotional problems often feel very much alone in their different-ness from
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other people. The non-judgmental quality can also be very welcome.</span></font><span></span></div>
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<div align="left"><font face="Times New Roman" size="4"><span style="font-size:14pt"><b>Empathy heals</b></span></font><span></span></div>
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<div align="left"><font face="Times New Roman" size="3"><span style="font-size:12pt">Therapeutically,
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it can be a very healing experience for someone to empathize with you. When
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someone effectively says 'I care for you', it also says 'I can do that, I can care for myself.' </span></font><span></span></div>
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<div align="left"><font face="Times New Roman" size="4"><span style="font-size:14pt"><b>Empathy builds
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trust</b></span></font><span></span></div>
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<div align="left"><font face="Times New Roman" size="3"><span style="font-size:12pt">Empathy displayed
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can be surprising and confusing. When not expected, it can initially cause
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suspicion, but when sustained it is difficult not to appreciate the concern. Empathy thus quickly
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leads to trust.</span></font><span></span></div>
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<div align="left"><font face="Times New Roman" size="4"><span style="font-size:14pt"><b>Empathy closes
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the loop</b></span></font><span></span></div>
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<div align="left"><font face="Times New Roman" size="3"><span style="font-size:12pt">Consider what would
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happens if you had no idea what the other person felt about your
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communications to them. You might say something, they hated it, and you continued as if they
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understood and agreed. Not much persuasion happening there!</span></font><span></span></div>
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<div align="left"><font face="Times New Roman" size="3"><span style="font-size:12pt">The more you can
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empathize, the more you can get immediate feedback on what they are
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experiencing of your communications with them. And as a consequence, you can change what
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you are saying and doing to get them to feel what you want them to feel.</span></font><span></span></div>
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<div align="left"><font face="Times New Roman" size="6"><span style="font-size:24pt"><b>So what?</b></span></font><span></span></div>
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<div align="left"><font face="Times New Roman" size="3"><span style="font-size:12pt">So how do you do
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it? How do you find out what other people are feeling? All you have to go
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on are what they say, how they say it and what they do, which can also be described as
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'words, music and dance'. </span></font><span></span></div>
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<div align="left"><font face="Times New Roman" size="3"><span style="font-size:12pt">If you want to
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move someone, detecting their emotional state is the first step. If you can feel
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that state then that detection is even more accurate. When you can sense their emotion, you can
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then use this to move them in the direction you want them to take.</span></font><span></span></div>
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<div align="left"><font face="Times New Roman" size="3"><span style="font-size:12pt">The trick in spotting
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feelings is to pay close attention to changes in the other person in response
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to external events. If you say 'How are you?' and the corners of their mouth turn down and
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their voice tone goes flat, then you might detect that all is not well.</span></font><span></span></div>
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<div align="left"><font face="Times New Roman" size="3"><span style="font-size:12pt">The better you
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are at spotting small changes, the greater your potential ability at empathizing.
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Watch for small changes on the face. Watch for lower-body movements when the upper-body
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is under conscious control. Listen for tension in the voice and emphasis on specific words.
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Listen for emotional words.</span></font><span></span></div>
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<div align="left"><font face="Times New Roman" size="3"><span style="font-size:12pt">To avoid getting
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swamped by their emotions learn to dip in and out of the association that
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makes you feel what they do. Go in, test the temperature and then get out to a place where you
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can think more rationally.</span></font><span></span></div>
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<div align="left"><font face="Times New Roman" size="3"><span style="font-size:12pt">Unless you are
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really sure, it can be a good idea to reflect back to the other person what you
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are sensing of their feelings, to check that you have got it right. After all, the only person who
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can confirm empathy is the person whose emotions are being sensed. </span></font><span></span></div>
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<div align="left"><font face="Times New Roman" size="3"><span style="font-size:12pt">Reflecting back
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itself has an effect, typically leading the other person to appreciate that you
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really care about them and hence increasing their trust in you.</span></font><span></span></div>
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<div align="left"><font face="Times New Roman" size="3"><span style="font-size:12pt">Empathy is far
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more effective when it is offered, as opposed to when people ask for empathy
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(in which case a negotiation exchange dynamic is set up).</span></font><span></span></div>
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<div align="left"><font face="Times New Roman" size="3"><span style="font-size:12pt">By the way, The
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usual caveat applies here - taking advantage of someone who is upset breaks
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many social rules and negative manipulation is likely to lead to betrayal effects.</span></font><span></span></div></div>
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<td class="center" rowspan="2">
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<div class="footerText">Dissertation of Paul L. Jansen Ph.D., MBA</div>
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</td>
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<td class="right">
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<div class="hyperlink">
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<span>
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<a href="http://www.pibuckle.com" target="_blank">Part of the Pibuckle website</a>
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</span>
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<td class="right">
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<div class="lastUpdated">
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<span>Last updated:</span>
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<span>19-8-2005</span>
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</div>
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</td>
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</tr>
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<tr>
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<td></td>
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